Week 4 – The Fear of Falling in Love Again 💔

The day I discovered that my ex-partner had moved on with someone new, my heart shattered into a million pieces. It was as if my world had fallen apart. Not only because beneath all the madness I still loved him; but he was now giving some chick all of our son’s time. It broke my heart knowing how much our son needed the love of his father, but he had chosen to give it to her instead. He quickly moved her in and began a carefree life of extravagant dates, holidays – you name it. Whilst I struggled not knowing how I would get the next pack of nappies or baby milk, they sat in the Shard sipping on champagne. As I battled through the cold days, not being able to afford a proper winter coat because every penny went to the demands of a newborn child, they were tanning in Monaco. I felt numb.

It took me a long time to accept that my dream of being a family unit no longer existed and that I would become a single mother again. That the man I once called my soulmate, who I gave five years of my life to, just disregarded it all and treated me like I was nothing. It took time to rebuild my self worth, to embrace my situation and even to laugh again. However, when it comes to meeting someone new, I’ve given up on the idea. ‘I’m done with men’ is what I tell myself. Not that I am turning the other way or anything, I have just decided to focus on ME, my children and my career instead.

Had he been there for our son, maybe it would have been much easier to move on. But being bogged down with a child 24/7, I had no time for anything else except to ensure that I kept my head on straight. After all someone had to be the sane one! What would have happened if we had both given up? What cracks me up about absent fathers is that they walk around downgrading their children’s mothers but regardless of what you may think of that woman she is holding the fort for YOU, so show some respect. “My baby mum’s crazy” is a common phrase used by men who are bitter and scorned. Well guess what? That same crazy woman you laid down with and created a life and that same crazy woman is raising your child and doing the best she can… alone. It is the shit my children’s fathers have said about me, but I don’t even respond. Because any man that has 1 million excuses as to why he has not laid his eyes on his child, but can still blissfully move on with some new chick, is beyond crazy to me. No woman should come before your child. Period.

I know some people will question that I must have known he was going to be a deadbeat or play a minimal role in our son’s life, but there are situations where you have no idea that it will end that way. I never really thought about more children after becoming a single mother with my daughter, but after being with my ex-partner for five years it got to the point where we began talking about babies. Although it did not end well, we shared a fun loving relationship throughout the years. He had a daughter from a previous relationship and seemed to be a good father. He took great care of his daughter, and my own, playing a proper role in their lives. He seemed committed to our family unit. It felt right.

I did not meet my father until I was 11 and watched my mum raise seven of us alone, which gave me a longing desire to raise my children in a complete family unit. My father is a drug addict and chose his habit over his children. He has been in and out of my life ever since I met him. It was only after I separated from my ex-partner that I realised the negative effect that my father’s absence had on me. I have a fear of rejection and my bad choice in men tend to reflect the father figure that I never had. My father taught me nothing about the qualities of a good man, and he sure as hell isn’t a role model to look up too.

Recently, though, things have been great. My children are thriving and I have achieved a great amount. I have written and produced two short films, showcased a theatre play and have set up my own company, A Scott Productions. I will be creating more films and running filmmaking workshops in schools in the near future, which all keeps me busy. But as we all know it can be an extremely lonely experience, as a single mother. When the kids are tucked up in bed, I am usually off to bed behind them at 8-9 pm or up until late working. I often feel unsexy and my passion and charisma has gone out of the window. The thought of having a man around my children and coming into my bubble scares me. The thought of them being abandoned by someone they may get attached to, scares me even more. Will they like him? How will he fit into my time? Do I want someone with children of his own? So many things run through my mind.

Breaking up with the man you love is devastating for anyone, especially when you have a baby to raise alone in the midst of it. I did have a brief fling two years after the breakdown of my relationship, however I still had a barrage of emotions towards my ex-partner. My head was everywhere and it was short-lived. When I look back he was actually a nice guy, but the deeper issues of my situation created a fear of falling in love again. I built a wall around my emotions so high that no one can be let in.

It has been four years that I have officially been single, and I’ve come to a point in my life where I am ready to love again. I know I deserve love and should not be too hard on myself, but there is always that voice in my head saying, ‘what if you get it wrong again?’ I then make excuses about it; that it is still not the right time for me. Being so focused on my children and my career has put me in a rut when it comes to dating. I have been on a few dates, admittedly having lots of fun, but it gets a bit much when they want to see me all the time. When they begin to catch feelings I back off or end up pushing them away.

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I know it has nothing to do with my ex’s because I have allowed myself to go through the emotions and given myself time to heal from that situation. I respect myself far too much to go back to a man who treated me like nothing! No, I do not look back. It’s more the doubt and worry that I need to free myself from. As much as I am fulfilled on my journey to success, I know I must allow myself to love again. I know I must allow myself to feel passion, euphoria and all the delightful things that love brings. So that when Mr. Right comes along, I will be vulnerable enough to say ‘I am afraid of falling’ and he will whisper ‘I have wings’.

Written By Aysha Scott

Edited By Shayanne Campbell – shayannec@yahoo.co.uk

Photo Credits: Raheem Lloyd

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10 comments

  1. Tunji Jinadu · September 2, 2015

    Each installment is better than the preceding. Your story is allowing me to get into the mind of a single mother and dispel some of my own preconceived ideas. It was particularly interesting to hear you say you talked about children as I always wondered if it was a joint decision after serious consideration. You continue to shine Miss Scott

    Like

  2. Wonitah Andrew · September 2, 2015

    You are amazing I’m going through the same thing and everytime I read your blogs tears role down my face, you have given me the strength to go on and believe in myself so thank you. I’m an actress, singer and songwriter but have lost confidence due to circumstances I’ve been through do you have any tips for me to get the ball rolling again, really will appreciate any advice you can give me.

    Like

    • ayshascott · September 2, 2015

      Thank you so much for the feedback Wonitah. I can certainly give you tips as the purpose of this blog is to inspire others because I remember how dofficult it was. Add me on Face Book Aysha Scott as we can probably communicate better that way x

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  3. Paul Rennalls · September 2, 2015

    Great piece Aysha, the way in which you share and bare your soul is extremely brave and I’m sure also therapeutic. Any thing or anyone worthy of investing time and energy into should be able to continuously exchange uplifting emotions of equal value. X

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    • ayshascott · September 3, 2015

      Hi Paul, how’s it going? I am extremely grateful for you positive feedback and yes indeed it is very therapeutic. x

      Like

  4. Kat · September 4, 2015

    I wish you all the very best. Every instalment /episode is like a replica of my life. In my case my ex and I dated for 5 years and he changed as soon as the son came along although he showed signed that he was a narcissist and psychopath.

    Not only do they lie and cheat, put you down and call you names I was betrayed by a close friend and a friend of a friend who he took on holidays. He didn’t even get my son a card or a £1 toy. Dont ever be bitter god has a greater plan and in hindsight I realised that situations arose to keep him away from us and I am so grateful.

    The abuse verbal and mental is awful so ensure that as well as working hard you are trying to create some balance. I have long learned that this is what they often what to upset, they have no regard for you or your children’s wellbeing.

    The holiday part hit home with me. Not only does my ex seek out people who know me but sleeps with so called friends and friends of friends to try to break my unit down as I refuse to speak to him. In my case he told me we are a package and if he cannot have me he wasn’t interested. Threatened to kill me and my family it was terrible, i know its hard due to their absence but sometime these guys have truly nothing positive to offer. After the honeymoon phase of dates, false stories and blah, blah, blah there is simply no substance to them.

    The abuse the stalking, it does hurt as you say that a man will find more time for women and finance to fund dates and holidays. But not blink and eye about their child’s welfare. My focus like yourself has been to sustain us emotionally and work hard. I refused to love any man that treats his child this way and cut off all the people who have betrayed us.

    The problem with these men is there seek out women who have potential and seem to want to try to break them down. So often these girls listen to all of the war story party trick crap and fail to ever see the damage which they do. You are beautiful and I promised myself I love myself and deserve to be loved again. Do not let these immature men who robbed your past rob your beautiful FUTURE.

    You are an inspiration

    Wish you the very Best Kat

    Like

    • ayshascott · September 4, 2015

      Hi Kat,

      Thanks for getting in touch and sharing your story. There are so many women in similar situations and I think it is important to share our stories and help each other to strive. You do have to just focus on yourself and your children and nothing but good will come your way. Take Care, all the best xx

      Like

  5. hopecarter145 · September 22, 2015

    I absolutely love your honesty xxx your a wonderful woman on all levels

    Like

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